I know, it sounds cryptic, right? Not so much, really. But first, let’s get niceties out of the way!

I’m sorry. Yes, yes I am. I’ve ignored you for far too long. It was never my intention… I just -could- not write about what was going on. Does that sound mysterious enough to grant forgiveness? Let’s hope so… because it’s true!

I’ve had no words, no permission, no base to draw from when it comes to knowledge… so I could not blog about what was in my world with any degree of pithy comfort. But let’s take comfort in the fact I’m here now, yes? No pictures, no fancy trimmings, just the Southern Belle and her Soapbox, raw, pleased, real.

Now, back to the subject at hand… what will you live with? Well, in my case, quite a bit, as it turns out.  I’ll smile instead of asking questions, and I’ll grip my fingers instead of touching at all the wrong times. It’s a fact of life, learning control… and I’ve not had to learn it really until now. Not this level of control. And it’s not a bad thing. Really. I mean this… mostly. Can I have another gin de French while I explain?

I’m learning to live in the moment. I’m learning to  not question. I’m learning to not need more than what I’ve got in my hand. I’m learning so many things…

I was struggling with these lessons, actually. For quite some time, I had questions always hovering at the tip of my tongue. I had mysterious needs never being met, questions never being answered. Then one day… Dene died. It ripped the foundation of my world away from me. My secure footing was secure no more. Life’s guarantees were no longer what I thought they were. My friend could die in his sleep. Life tilted. I was not the same after. So all those tough lessons I was learning came in to sharp focus.

So what if I don’t understand? So what if it’s not precisely to script? So what if it’s not the norm? So what if I can’t put a label on it? It’s there, it’s now, it’s here, it’s happening. it’s real, it’s mine, it pleases me, it pleases us…. So now, I know what I’ll live with.

I can live with this. Yes, yes I can. And I’ll tell you something else for nothing… It’s so much fun! I’m heard, I’m understood. I can laugh, I can cry. I can make insane requests… and I don’t have to make any promises. It’s freedom. It’s freedom to love. It’s freedom to be me. That’s right… me. Let’s have a loud ‘huzzah’ for the selfish ‘me’!

So, in other news… I bought a handbag. I got some new boots too. I’m going back to uni…Again (hey, some folks have cocaine habits. I have a university habit!). My hair is longer, my cancer is smaller, I’m getting laid more often, and my dog still pisses on the kitchen floor. I’m sorry I was gone for so long, but the wait is worth the effort… yadda yadda!

I’m back. I’ll work through what I can say and what I can’t. Trust me. Sort of!

Loving a whole mess of ya’ll from the soapbox…

(For the fam that’s reading, Papa is not making the blogs. Not yet. It’s too raw.)

Shut your mouth, hold your breath…  Yeah I mean this….

So here we sit, my wine and I. The company is grand and the weather is fine, and the thoughts do flow. Where do they flow, one might ask? Well, I reckon I’m probably just drunk enough to tell you. Well at least I’m drunk enough to think I told you… and I trust in the morning you’ll be kind enough to assure me that I made perfect sense. Don’t worry, I’ll believe you… It’s all about me, right?

The things we must do to work out where we are – epic. The mountains we gotta climb to work out where the bottom just might be… higher than we might like. The view? Worth having, every single time. I don’t care how much you have to scream, how much you have to bleed – you gotta see it.

You need to learn what  you’ll walk away from *before* you learn what you’ll walk  back in to. Walking back in.. eyes wide open with a heavy dose of reality, that’s what you see from the mountain.

Is it worth the climb? Hell if I know. I didn’t say I was some sort of all seeing oracle… I said I was drunk. Remember? It’s way back at the beginning of the post. In fact, let’s pause and pour another…(Yes, Rutherford’s Malbec is mega. 2007…)

So yeah, as I was saying. I climbed the mountain, looked at the river, saw the dirt, ate some popcorn, tied my shoes, put on lip gloss, found my flipflops…

Fuck it. What was the point? Oh yeah…. I’m here. Ha! Deal.

See  y’all when I see y’all…

Loving y’all from the valley floor… Or fuck it, am I on the mountain? Shit, where’s my dogs… dammit all.

Lynn – loving like more than half of you. Aw shit, that’s a drunken hug. Ok, I’m loving like more than 10 of you. Ok, it’s way more than 10. It’s like 23 of you. 56 of you? More tea vicar? Yeah, from the soapbox.

So, I just said to a friend of mine ‘I try not to blog when I’m in a funk, as I don’t want that part of me in the ether’. And it’s true… and before this weekend, I thought I was gonna be unable to blog for a while.

But you know, just when you think it’s done, you find it’s not. Just when you feel that your tank is so empty you can never be full again, you find that you are. Well, if not full, at least there’s enough gas to see you on a helluva joy ride for a while.

So I took my empty ass out there… I crawled outta my cave and I let those who love me put bandaids on what was bleedin, and pour wine on what wasn’t. They picked me up when I was crawling, and showed me that feet were for walkin and dancin, and that laughter should bubble up from the toes.

My beautiful girls, each of them gave me the right smile or the right push.. quiet when it was needed, dirty jokes when a tear was on the threat, hugs when I thought I didn’t want to be touched… I was outdancing it… until I was really dancing.

They showed me I’m gonna be all right, each and every day I’m gonna be better than the last, and even more all right. I’m still not ready for the world just yet, but by god the showed me I could laugh at the world and that’s a helluva start.

So for all you girls who have excellent girlfriends out there, drop what you’re doin’ and go hug em tight. Buy them 30 quids worth of margaritas, and tell them that they are beautiful and you cherish them. Because that’s where it’s at. It’s not the men, it’s not the bills, it’s not the shitty little moments….

It’s laughter and love and life.

I’m in a new relationship now… with myself. And I’ll thank those beautiful girls every day for showing me that I am in the best relationship ever now. I think I’ll buy myself some fabulous boots and take me to dinner soon… I’m fucking worth it.

Loving so many from the soapbox today. Even Boo is loving them…

Lynn xx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtrihIyMGW4

Well, yes, it really is. All that I need, that is. You are probably thinking ‘Uh, at what point does she actually tell us what she needs…?’

Right now.

I need to know I’m all right.  I need to believe that when I fall, I won’t fall too hard. I need to know that even when I fuck up, I’m ok. I need to feel safe enough to laugh, and secure enough to cry. I need to feel beautiful, and I need to see it in his eyes. I need to know that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am loved. I need to know that when I throw a fit, it’s heard… and when I say ‘I need a hug’ it’s taken as serious as it feels.

I need to know that when I have a bad hair day, I never sink below ‘cute’. I need to know that when I have one beer too many, I’ll be nested up and gently laughed at in the morning. I need to know that when the world screams, you speak in whispers. I need to know that when my gut aches over the gaping void… you will be there filling it in with either a shovel or a grin. I need to know that when my socks don’t match, you can accept that. I need to know that when I cook crappy meal, that you understand at least my heart was in the right place.

I need to know when I sing too loud and off key, you’ll try to harmonise anyway. I need to know that when I’m alone in a room full of people, you’ll catch my eye and share a private joke. I need to know that when I say badwords, you’ll accept….and I need to know when I’m having a ‘Doug moment’ you’ll just listen.

I need to know that when I’m giving all that I have, it’s not going to a bad place… and I need to know that when I give until it hurts, you’ve got the band aid wrapped up in a loving look. I need to know that when you laugh, you mean it… when you love, you mean it… and when you look at me, it’s real.

I need to know that when I’m standing in that room filled with broken glass, you’ll ask me how I got there, and throw me a flashlight. I need to know I can share my joys and my sorrows…

I need to know it’s real… and I need to know when it’s not. Let me mourn, heal, and move on.

I’m begging you. Be real, or love me enough to admit when it’s not.

Lynn, confused and aching on her soap box.

Well, I, for one, just learned that I will need to make my uploaded pictures smaller when I blog on the run!!! Our new pup ‘Earl’ has just made a rather large debut on the soap box!! Let’s add one of our precious old girl ‘Boo’ to even things up and make sure we have learned our lesson!!

Lynn,

Publishing dogs on the soap box!!